What we suspected all along - Jacinda Ardern finally comes out as a fellow. The Oxford lads weigh in on her bollocks.

It’s official: Jacinda Ardern, former Prime Minister of New Zealand and lockdown anti-legend, has been named a “Fellow” at Oxford University. But the real bombshell? She’s finally confirmed what the tabloids—and half of Auckland—have whispered for years: she’s one of the lads, bollocks and all. The Oxford lads, ever the scholars of subtle masculinity, have wasted no time weighing in on the revelation.

“It’s bloody obvious now,” said Rupert Poshbottom, 23, sipping a pint of lukewarm ale outside the King’s Arms. “We suspected it back in 2020 when her trousers were swinging like a pendulum during that press conference. Those weren’t just well-tailored slacks, mate—those were balls of steel clanging about.”

The incident in question, dubbed “Swing-gate” by political theorists and fashion critics alike, saw Ardern stride onto the podium to announce yet another COVID restriction, only for eagle-eyed viewers to spot an unmistakable swagger below the belt. “I thought it was a trick of the light,” recalled Kiwi farmer Dave Woolshed. “But nah, those pants were packed. We all suspected she was hiding a pair down there.”

“When she rolled in last week, puffing a cigar and calling us ‘old chums,’ we knew the game was up. Her bollocks are legendary now.”

Ardern herself has leaned into the chaos, reportedly telling a room full of bemused dons, “Yeah, mate, the jig’s up. I’ve been a fellow all along—figuratively and, well, you know, now it’s official” She then allegedly challenged the room to a darts match and won by a landslide, cementing her status as the ultimate lad.

What’s next for Xir Jacinda? Only time—and a sturdy pair of briefs—will tell.

Her bollocks are legendary now

• Dave Woolshed

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